I'm nearly nineteen and I barely know the feeling of being in love. In my 17 months of being in a relationship, I've never been in a state of almost dying because of excessive fireworks exploding in my stomach. I may be mendaciously speaking but believe me, I'm undergoing some melodramatic thinking about how things are going. I've been falling in and out of love insensibly for the past months. I detest the feeling of being trapped by a relationship that is barely working. I've been trying hard to make everything right, or at least right to you. You are obviously nonchalant of the things I do for you, for us. You always put the blame on me where in fact should have put on you. You are taking advantage of the fact that I can't afford to lose you. You don't care what I really feel. You don't even care if I'm going through hell. Pain and ache have been killing me, softly but surely, since the very first day I laid my heart on you. And do you have any idea what hurts the most? It is when I needed you most, talking to you with a broken heart, and you, I don't know why, were responding to me like I was just playing around. That's what kills me, pieces to pieces. You didn't care, honestly, because that's what I felt. Do you know what I've been thinking lately? Yes, I wonder if you really know me. I wonder if you know my favorite flower -- I bet you don't.
Yesterday, I saw a teenage couple, maybe around our age, patiently and happily waiting for the jeepney to come. I got distracted by the way the guy holds his girl's hand. It seems different from the way you hold mine. By the moment the girl rested her head on the guy's shoulder, it was beautiful. And the way they talk and smile at each other, it's something that makes me wanna cry. It feels so real and pure, safe and secure. I was gladly looking at them, wondering how happy they are with each other. It felt so great and distressing at the same time.
On Tumblr world, I've read some of the posts of Abie and she also shared how things are going with Ian, her boyfriend. One of the posts I really liked was when Abie was sick and texted Ian if he could come over to visit her. Ian replied he couldn't because he had loads of things to do. Abie was so sad. After several hours, I don't remember who texted first but the convo went like this. Ian texted Abie asking her if she missed him. Abie said she did, and some sort of interlude happened. Then Ian said come down. Abie, shocked and confused if it was true, went down and saw Ian bringing a stem of a certain flower (I forgot what was it), handed it to Abie and let Abie open his bag. To her surprise, she saw a box, I think, wrapped in a Dora The Explorere wrapper (Abie's favorite). When she unwrapped the box, she saw letters from her blockmates telling her how much they missed her. The plan was organized by Ian and asked Abie's mom to help him do it. It is so sweet of Ian on how he managed to do all those and surprised Abie. Sweet and thoughtful he is.
I always wish we were like those couples who are simply happy being together, who always trust each other, who always try to understand one another, who always care for one another, who always love each other no matter what. It is the effort that really matters. I always like how a guy surpises his girl with stuff she likes. I'd feel special that way.
I prolly sound like an angsty broken-heart girl, and you might think I'm exaggerating all of this. With an honest heart, I feel envious; envious of all those things. I think I have to cut it here. I feel unimportant so I won't let myself think of those things again. It's breaking my heart. It's tearing me apart.
